Emancipation

At 2:35 pm today, I've made a self serving feat of expression. Although it never went fully as planned, it goes without saying that I'm at bliss as of this writing. It surmounts the idea of equal satisfaction as it pounded a big sigh of relief from days of uncertainties. I'm not used with gestures of affection and the likes. I'd rather say things unblatantly than making it appear as if accomplishing something out of dictate. If I am to do it, I'd make it sure, it is kindled by that fiery feeling of say admiration. In this case, it was more than that.

Its been sometime since the last feeling was gone, at least a year after I entered the university. I couldn't imagine the futility inside me than waiting under a tree waiting for the fruit to fall. And here comes another unassuming subject of affection, but not really the previous feeling at all, hence, it went absurdly lost like a raging bull. But in all honesty, I've been very unfair to still hold to her without sense of affirmations whatsoever. But I decided to settle on a plain of intimate friendship. And it ends there.

I counted months thereafter before you arrived in this fountain of misery. I should describe it that way and at no cost. After all, the providence of aches and pains mean nothing to anyone other than myself. Unknowingly, it came to me as a surprise. I was limited of the view that it would came to pass. But pristine as it came, the feeling was nurtured in naturality to where it is now. And for two years now, the feeling remains. Nothing has changed. The only pitfall being, I don't know if she has changed. That continuously lingers on my imagination.

I learned she has been to much of personal struggles lately. But she remains the smarter fighter. By her looks, you can't find any traces of irregularities. But her eyes reflects it all. That I see to it to look straight into it and drain all the joys and pains altogether in my mind. It's nearly a month since I last saw that windows of her soul. As much, I've always wanted to have her around, but the two years of futility persistently fades that possibility. It came to my psyche that I should relinquish this mania for probabilities and certainties. On the other hand, I am already adapted to it. Whichever comes first, I'd be okay with that.

If she is the future, I could settle for that. If she really is not bound, then I'd gratefully accept that. My only consolation is having explored the possibility of sparing a part of me for quiet some time. I have lived through these times, and I said earlier, it'll remain. That I have onced loved, and that would lingers on me forever. At least at this point in time, I paved a way for emancipation.The path being, if time allows, a commencement of an end.

Couldn't wish you more than bliss.

Bahid ng Hinayang

--Pilit ko mang ilibing sa puntod ng aking isipan ang sigwang dulot ng pusong humihikab ng diwang pag-ibig, sa muli't muli'y patuloy itong sumisikad sa pag-asang mapapawalan ng isipang pilit sumasamyo sa diwang gising--

Sa kalamigan ng paligid ng Cordillera aking napagtanto ang pasyang pilit kong iniiwasan. Sa tinatagal-tagal ng panahon na bumilang ng halos tatlong taong pagtitimpi sa damdaming gising. At ngayon ay mananahan na sa kasaysayan ng isipang patuloy na kumukompas sa tunguhin ng pag-ibig. Huli na ito, ayoko ko nang maramdam muli ang ganitong damdamin. Hindi kanino man kundi para sa isang kaluluwang nagbigay sa akin ng pasakit, mga pag-aalala at sang butil ng luha, ngunit nagdudlot naman ng ibayong kaligayang walang pagsidlan.
Ang luhang ibinuhis sa ngalan ng tapat na damdaming pilit itinitimpi ay katumbas ng sanlaksang pangakong dapat sana'y aking nabitawan sa mga sandaling tayo'y hawak kamay sa dako roon. Ang kabang maya't maya'y bumabalot sa saplot ng aking kutis sa tuwing ika'y nasisilayan ay nagbabadya ng tensyong manindigan sa alay na pag-ibig, at lampasan ang mga hamon sa gitna ng kawalan. At higit sa lahat ang hapdi ng kirot ng karamdamang hindi mo nadadama san mang dako ng iyong pisikal na katawan ngunit tagos hanggang buto ang hirap at sakit. Maaring ito'y kalabisan ng sitwasyon sa konteksto ng realidad, ngunit ito ay pagtanto sa tamang daan na dapat sana ay tatahakin ng isang taong nabubuhay sa kaligayahan. Ano mang klase ng hirap at hinayang ang abutin ko, patuloy akong sasamyo at luluhod sa payo ng puso ko, sang ayon sa kalagayang taos ang hangarin ko sayo. Ngunit kahit ang busilak na kalagayang ito ay hindi nangangahulugang lulundo sa kaligayahan, ngunit mas pa ang sakit na dulot ng pag-ayaw at pagtalikod ng kaluluwang pinagukulan.
At sino ba ang dapat masisi? Ang pusong umaasa sa hinaharap o ang isipang mapagbigay at kumukuha ng sandaling tugma sa pagbulalas nga mga wikang pag-ibig. Kung sana lang ay nahinuha niya ito, kung sana'y nagbigay siya ng daan sa pagpapatawad at paumanhin at kung sana'y di na siya nagpakita ng kagandahan at kabaitan, di sana'y naibuhos ko na ang damdaming ito sa ibang katauhan; di sana'y umusad na ang pusong bigo at puno ng hinayang; di sana'y napawi ko na sa ulirat ko ang ideyang ikaw ang nasa unahan ng aking isipan. Kung sana di tayo magkaibigan, di na dapat ako lalayo.

*Pilit kung ipinaparamdam ang damdaming gising, ngunit patuloy niyang pinapawi ito. Ramdam ko sa mga sandaling iyon ang di kasiguruhan sa puso niya, at may pilit humihimpil dito. SA huli ko malalamang, katulad ng luhang aking ibinuhos, sanlaksang luha din ang kanyang sinayang sa kaluluwang ligaw na patuloy gumagambala sa puso niya. Ang malinaw, hindi ako yon. Panghihinayang ang namamayani sa akin ngayon. At ito'y lalatak sa aking landas magpakailan man.

Mid-Summer Dream

I should have reaped the fruits of courage and persistence if only its that easy to expose your realities. But unless you take on the challenge, the feat is but a journey a way from your doorstep. To my mind, I can't bear seeing the daily contradictions happening around this tiny midst of reality. The sky is blue, and wide up to the stream of inception where the feeling of lowliness emanates from the most delirious insignificance that one could feel in his lifetime. To pursue a dream is a feat itself. Along its way however are streams of infallible persuasions that confine the very core of self expression. Tight as it could, it held my heart until it crushes before my seemingly insurmountable ireverence to live up to the expectations dictated upon by externalities. And tonight, I dreamed of you. Puzzled, I came to your rescue. You faded from a far, and yet there I was in a hurdle of letting your warm body reflect before the sight of men. Able and nicest with time, you whispered in some uncomprehensible language-- a deliverance from your honest heart. While I in my solitude, wept before your divine eyes. And foreover, I'll be in denial.

Pagpit-os Sang Alimpatakan

Sang akon paglantaw, ara siya; (At first glance, she ws there)
Sunod ko nga pag-lili, wala na. (On my next view, she was gone)
Ginpangita ko, baw, ato gali sa pihak; (I looked for her, and found nearby)
May upod na nga iban. (With someone else)
Gakaptanay pa sing kamot; (Holding hands)
Masulub-on ako. (I'm melancholic)